


My Lover of the Red Sand

by Keibell



Category: Naruto
Genre: Adaptable Penis, Anniversary, Crack Fic, F/M, Funny, Party, Smut, Spatula Penis, Troll Fic, Wooden penis, blowjob
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 07:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8881612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keibell/pseuds/Keibell
Summary: You never thought that you'd be picked up by the Akatsuki and taken in as an experimental intern, but still, here you are, sitting in the underground room at the Akatsuki secret base with Tobi doing shots off of Zetsu's stomach in shiny, gold hot pants at your one month anniversary party. But there you were, searching through the thumping music and flashing lights to try and find the one that made your heart flutter...Sasori of the Red Sand.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sorry.

You studied yourself in the mirror, sorting out the last few touches to your outfit as the last few streaks of sunlight filtered through your window. 

You had been staying in the Akatsuki base for nearly a year now, the team of S-class criminals teaching you jutsu, cooking you breakfast and joking around with you every day. It was Kisame, (although you liked to call him Uncle Fishstick) who had found you, wondering the streets with a very basic ninja training and suggested you joined them for an experimental internship. 

They had all loved you ever since, with Konan helping you pick out outfits and doing your makeup, Deidara using you for a sculpture model and doing your hair, Itachi training you and lending you books to read. 

But there was one who caught your eye the most. 

Sasori. 

The way his red hair caught the light, the way he smiled and the way he bickered so passionately with Deidara... It just made him all the more attractive to you. 

Just thinking about him now made you weak in the knees and-

"Hey there." Sasori leaned against your doorframe, head cocked to the side and a sly smirk on his lips. 

"S-S-Sa-Sasori-kun! Y-Y-You really should knock!" You flushed a bright red, stuttering at the feeling of his gaze on your body. 

"You look gorgeous."

"N-Na-Nani?!" You nearly fainted then and there, realising he wasn't wearing a shirt. Covering your nose in case it started to bleed, you shuffled nervously on the spot. "A-Arigatou, S-Sasori-kun..."

"H-Hey, I need to talk to you later..." He stammered, making your heart skip a beat. You nodded eagerly, agreeing, and he left, leaving you to put the last touch-ups of your look into effect. You wanted to look your best for Sasori-kun, of course!

Oh didn't I mention? It was your 1 month anniversary of staying with the Akatsuki, and they were throwing a party in their top-secret base for you. You couldn't wait to have fun with your best friends, so you rushed down the stairs, sliding on the bannister. 

The basement was converted into a party room, a disco ball hanging from the ceiling and a bar against the wall, where Pein was mixing cocktails for you all. 

"Tobi loves cocktails!!" Tobi exclaimed, causing you to laugh. He had added sparkles to his usual orange mask, dressed in golden, shining hot-pants and a mesh shirt. You applauded his fashion choice and he blushed as you kissed him on the cheek.

But still, your heart yearned for Sasori. 

But where was he?

Konan smiled, knowing your thoughts immediately and Uncle Fishstick walked over, clapping you on the back, oblivious to your inner turmoil. 

"How are you?" He boomed, and Itachi came wondering over. 

"Happy six month anniversary, (name)-chan." Itachi said, hugging you. You blushed. 

"A-Arigatou, Itachi-kun." You ran a hand through your hair, your eyes flickering to the stairs again, a certain redhead on your mind. "I'm fine, Uncle Fishstick, I'm so grateful for you having me here!" 

You bowed, giggling lightly, not resisting another look at the stairs. 

No sign of him...

"Ah, excuse us, gentlemen." Konan smiled, her eyes closed before she grabbed your arm, pulling you to the side of the room. Zetsu was lying on the bar, Tobi whooping as Pein filled shot glasses with clear liquid.

"A-Ah! K-Konan-chan!" You squealed as she pulled you to the side. Her hair was down, paper rose decorated clips pinning her bangs back. She wore a small, navy dress, the sequins shimmering in the colourful lights of the room. Music began to thump as Hidan took to the DJ booth, grinning at the two of you and shouting a 'Thank you for fucking staying with us!'

"You're thinking about Sasori aren't you?"

"N-N-Nani-?!"

"What's this about Sasori-donno, un?" Deidara drawled, Kakuzu coming up behind him, looking as grumpy as ever. 

"Is it something to do with money?" He asked and you shook your head. "Not interested."

The old man turned on his heel and left to presumably pester Hidan to change the music. 

"I-It's nothing! Honest!" You stuttered, your face turning red as you hid it behind your hands. Konan took them in her's and pulled them away from your face. 

"Go and find him, he might need your help." She nodded, clearly knowing a lot more than she was letting on. 

"O-Okay..." You took a deep breath, steeling yourself for the meeting with Sasori before heading for the stairs. 

"I'm still confused, un!" Deidara protested.

You stepped up the stairs, the hallway to all of your bedrooms bathed in a golden light from the evening sunset. There was no one to be seen. 

"A-Ano..." You piped up, wringing your hands, "S-Sasori-kun?" 

There was a rustle from Sasori's room, like bedsheets being moved around and you heard his voice soon after. 

"I-I'm in here, (name)-chan." He stammered a bit, but his voice was still low and sexy. You blushed, shaking your head to get the dirty thoughts out of your head. 

"A-Ah, okay, I was just-!"

"Come here." He interrupted you, the rustling stopping.

"N-N-Nani?! B-But-!"

"I need you for something." 

You paused, taking a deep breath before pushing yourself into the room, your eyes squeezed shut. 

"Wh-What can I help you with, S-Sasori-kun?!" You almost yelled, your fists clenched, only to be answered with the sound of silence. 

You slowly opened your eyes.

The room was empty. 

This was definitely Sasori's room, right? Did you walk into the wrong one?

"S-S-Sasori-kun..?"

You were met with a quick movement, a body springing out of nowhere and slamming you against the wall, the heat of its skin pressing against you. 

"A-A-AH!" You screamed, surprised by the sudden attack. When you saw the mess of red hair on your assailant's head though, your face heated up in a fiery red colour. 

"No need to worry, my princess, it's just me." Sasori had bent down, whispering in your ear before pulling back. 

"S-S-Sa-Saso-" You stuttered, flustered before he cut you off. 

"I've always loved you, (name)-chan..." Sasori smirked before slowly leaning in to press his lips to yours..

Your eyes flew open with shock, fluttering shut moments afterwards as you found yourself succumbing to his touch. 

"S-S-Sasori-kun..." you murmured against the plush of his lower lip. "W-What are you-"

He cut you off with a mere glance, his tawny-hued eyes gleaming in the dim room. 

"Why bother yourself with questions at a time like this, precious?"

Sasori arched an eyebrow questioningly, an arrogant smirk tugging at the seam of his aperture. 

After giving a slight nod of assurance, he was upon you again. He curled one arm around your waist possessively, the other pressing into the wall to keep you in place. 

Sasori let out a low purr as he trailed kisses down the column of your throat, leaving evidence of his affection behind in the colour of bruised roses. 

You let out a cute keen, tilting your head back slightly to allow him to continue.

"S-Sasori-kun..."

He looked up at you through his lashes, drawing his tongue over his lips.

"I-I want to m-make you f-feel good too..."

You trailed a shaky hand down his side, feeling the tense of his obliques through the fabric of his shirt. His breathed hitched slightly, giving you a burst of courage as you lowered yourself onto you knees, getting adjusted on the hard press of the floor.

Biting your lip, you hooked your thumbs into the waistband of his pants and pulled them down to see...

Nothing?

"N-Nani?" You pressed your hand to the blank spot, feeling the smooth texture of wood under your fingertips, and it definitely wasn't the type of wood you were looking for. 

"I'm a puppet, did you forget?" He crooned, getting up and walking to his wardrobe. He slid open the door, kicking off his pants in the process. 

"Y-Yeah, but I though you'd at least have-"

"I don't, but I did build in a function a few months ago." His voice came from way at the back of the wardrobe, his torso buried under piles of wood and puppet parts. "Here."

He tossed you a box, heavy and about the length of your arm. 

The front read 'The Anything Cock!™"

"S-Sasori.."

"Don't worry, I've always wanted to try this out."

"H-How-"

You trailed off as he pressed his fingers to his wooden groin, pushing in a small circular section to reveal a hole that looked like you could screw things into it. 

"Open it." He prompted, and you followed his orders, dumbstruck. A load of parts fell out onto the floor, and Sasori found what he was looking for immediately. 

A wooden penis. 

"Uhm... S-Sasori..."

"Ah, don't worry, I understand, you want something a little more... grand."

You sighed, relieved that he understood, your eyes sliding shut. 

"EXPANSION JUTSU!" He slapped his hands together and you squeaked in shock at the sudden volume. 

But... That was an Akimichi only technique, wasn't it..? You opened your eyes slowly. 

Oh. 

OH. 

-  
The rest of the Akatsuki sat down in the basement, around the bar as the music thumped, loud and clear. Hidan was already drunk, mumbling curses as he slumped over the countertop. 

They all jumped at the sound of someone yelling 'EXPANSION JUTSU' and a horrified scream, Hidan falling backwards onto the floor. 

"God damnit, has Sasori-donno pulled that fucking thing out again, un?!"  
-

That scream came from your mouth, as the massive, 11th member of the Akatsuki stood in front of you. 

And by member, you meant Sasori's gigantic, wooden penis. 

"W-Wait! What about splinters?! This isn't safe, we should just-!"

"Don't worry, everyone else I've used it on has loved it."

"E-Everyone else?! Please told me you washed it!" You nearly fainted on the spot, but Sasori smirked, letting out a small 'tch'. 

"I'm not an animal, (name)-chan," Sasori folded his arms, "I'm a puppet, I thought it was pretty obvious."

"B-B-B-Bu-"

"I understand, you need foreplay, right? I'm not very experienced in that area." He turned around, unscrewing the massive man-meat before selecting a new device off the pile that came out of the box and screwing it on. 

"How about this?" He turned around, and a puppet attached by a spring to his body bounced around, a lifeless smile on it's face. 

You begun to break out in a cold sweat. 

"S-S-Sa-"

"Hm, perhaps you'd like a bite to eat to let all of this settle in?" He asked, unscrewing the puppet. You didn't register what he'd asked, just nodded dumbly as the smaller puppet stared into your soul. 

"Good, I have a tool for that too." There was now a spatula where his Spanish sausage would be. "How do you fancy pancakes?"

You fainted, your teammates downstairs sighing at the familiar sound of a body hitting the floor and Sasori looked around, confused. 

"What did I do?"

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me at @i-just-got-your-messages on tumblr for Mystic Messenger related imagines and shenanigans. 
> 
> Huge thanks to my bestie @sexy-sports-baes for writing the slightly smutty part. Go follow her for more it's rlly good!!


End file.
